I always wanted something different. Even as a child, my mind was elsewhere. In the happiest moments, I wanted something else because I knew how transitory that moment was. I looked at those around me and tried to understand how they were happy. I didn't know that they may have been feigning it. I envied adults because in my eyes, they had everything. I envied my teachers because I assumed they liked what they did, and because they appeared confident.
During celebrations, gatherings, I joined in, but with a different mind. I laughed, but also wondered about what would happen when everyone left and the party was over. I wondered how I would go back to my routine. I wondered how the house would be quiet once again.
I am still in search of something that I can't explain to anyone or even to myself.