This is my first time using this weblog, I will try to write good things in here.

This Summer was the greatest Summer for me. I got to visit my sister and my two brothers. My parents and I live in Virginia,my oldest brother lives in Europe and my sister and my other brother live in Iran. After 3 years I got to see them,though my oldest brother visited us once last year. It was a good trip. First we went to Turkey,since they couldn't get a visa for Europe. We stayed there for 2 weeks and got to visit alot of places. It was like a dream and it went by fast. Then we went to Europe to see my oldest brother. I am still there,though my parents left yesterday.
Every minute is a treasure because it might not be repeated again!

I was in Prague for a week. It was fun being in a different place,somewhere where you are not already known,somewhere where you are free from people who know you.
I feel the same in Belgium,where i am right now. It's a good feeling.

You might feel sad at first
You might want to cry
You might imagine a ring on your phone
You might want to scream from lonliness
You might feel afraid
You might feel as though there is no one left
You might forget the ones that are there
You might shut them out
You might forget your time and be in the past
You might search for the pieces of the puzzel you call life

Sometimes I feel like a bird in a cage which is not locked. I feel as though the door is open for me to do something,but for reasons I can't move, i am stock.
Sometimes I feel like a bird not in a cage but one who does not know it's way. Right?left?
Though the cage is never locked for me,it is always open. Only I have to make the effort to get out and find my way.

When you look into a mirror,what do you see?
I see me
Do you like what you see?
yes, i like what i see
Do you ever wish to change what you see?
No, i like what i see
So when you look into a mirror,you like what you see and you don't want to change what you see?
Right

When you're in the mood to do something,you do it. Maybe you feel like singing or dancing. You might feel like reading a book or watching a movie. You might want to see a scary movie or a funny movie.There are times though that you are not in the mood to do anything. And that will leave you bored,perhaps all day. I feel the same,sometimes there is music but i don't feel like dancing. Sometimes there are so many things i can do but i just sit there and tell myself there is nothing to do!

When i play the violin it gives me a good feeling. It makes me feel free like i am somewhere else,though that somewhere is where i want to be, like a happy place or a happy event that is happening. When there is new pieces of music it is more fun. You can sit there for hours and play and hope for others to hear you and say"my gosh,you're good".
I owe a great deal of thank yous to my orchestra teacher.

3 more days till i leave Belgium.It's not very exciting to count the days you have left when you're in vacation. Specially when you are visiting your family. It is exciting to count the days before you can go to your vacation but not when you're coming back. Well, it's always like this. First you are so excited to go,you pack your things,you buy things and then you start counting the days. And then you are there and then you have to leave again. You say"it feels like i just came yesterday and now i have to leave"
Yep, time goes fast!

I stay on the couch and watch t.v! Or I go to my room,close the door and stay on my bed,if i am relly scared. But most of the time i watch t.v cause it helps!

I have to say good-bye to my brother
I have to say good-bye to the great people i have met
I have to say good-bye to a red house that i have been in for a month
I have to say good-bye to a country full of memories
I have to say good-bye and leave

Vacation is over and I'm back home. It feels weird,because I feel like a stranger. And the thing I hate the most is that now people know me again! When I was in Europe nobody knew me and it felt good. I guess that's just the way it is and I have to get used to it.

School starts on Monday. God I'm scared! I'm scared because the school is big and I am going to get lost,I don't know the teachers and I don't know who is going to be in my classes. Oh,I just wish it goes well.

I worry too much for everything. For school,mostly and for other things. It has been a habit for me all my life. And I know it will stay forever! I don't why I do that,I mean some people are so relaxed that you start worrying for them and some are like you who worry or worst.

A true discription of life by Matsin (some guy)

Life is a gamble,a journey,people either win or lose,life is like a prodigy that is endless. When someone's voice becomes weaker and slowly fades away,a newer and stronger voice takes the rest of the story and continues...

Always remember to forget the things that made you sad,but never forget to remember the things that made you glad!

Elbert Hubbard

It has been a couple of days that I have been paying attention to the sun and moon. Once the sun was so beautiful,it was an orange color. One other time it was yellow but you could see the lines of light in the sky. The moon was pretty too. It was so amazing!
(something like this picture but maybe not exactly,you get what I mean)

You know how sometimes you think you're completely out of hope and think that everything is going to be awful. Well I feel the same sometimes and it's not good. Yet I can rethink,think in a positive way and try to see things my way. Though it is not as easy as I think it is. But sometimes it works.

Yesterday I had a visit to Sixflags. It was awsome. I went to 6 rides and it was a lot of fun. The very first ride that I rode with my parents and my cousins was crazy!! It was a twisted roller coaster. Right from the begining it started with the fastest speed and turned us upside down and in all directions. I was so scared that I couldnot open my eyes at all ! I couldn't even scream! Man,it was a shock ride. The worst part was your head,cause it was hanging and you couldn't lift your head up. After we got out our heads and necks were hurting(well,atleast mine did) and it made my cousin and my mom not to ride anything else!! But all other rides were very good and we had a lot of fun. Make sure you go there if you haven't already.

I feel sad when it rains
I feel bored when it rains
I feel as though the whole world has changed
I hate it when it rains
I feel lonely and it's cloudy
It is dark outside when it's rainy
You can't go outside when it's rainy
If you walk,you get wet
If you go with your car
you feel sick
it's cloudy,it's rainy,it's dark and it's lonely
Like the sky is crying
You sit by the window and all you is droplets of water
It's rainy,it's cloudy,it's lonely and you feel the whole world has changed

Sunday is my least favorite day. One,it is a reminder of Monday,which means,school,work and less fun(sometimes). Two it is boring(for me) and three I don't feel like doing anything. This sunday though was a little better,because there is no school on Monday and because I will be going somewhere. But the point is to enjoy everyday,cause hey it's life and you've just got to live it!

As I look from the ship, all I see is water. Blue,shiny water that sparkles from the sun above. All around me is surrounded by water. There is nothing but water. It is the Sea of Marmareh in Turkey. I am sitting in a ship,with my family,looking beyond me and I'm seeing something that no one has ever seen before. I get this feeling inside me that I have never felt before. I cannot take my eyes off of it for one second. I keep on looking,the sea and the breez,the deep blue sea that is forever in rhythm.

I get really sad when I read or hear about the people in Palestine. Imagine how hard it is for them to live,they don't even have a normal life. There are millions of families without homes,foods,etc... . Babies who get shot,millions of people who die for their country that they can't have. Just terrible. We should feel lucky. So lucky! We have homes,jobs,food,a good education,a safe place and already we don't even appreciate that and we want more. It is just sad,simply sad.

Is probably the only place that I can see almost anyone I know. Family,friends,you name it. My room is full of pictures. It is a good way to remember your fun moments,your happiest days or your greatest advantures. When I walk into my room it's as if I have entered another world!

I can imagine so many things,things that will be kept forever and ever.By imagination one can change everything. Imagination has a lot of power, a strong deep power that will never last.It is true to say that it is a powerful tool in the toolbox of magic. You can have anything your heart desires by just imagining that you have it.Never forget that it might come true,your imagination,your wish. Simply keep it and don't loose it. And remember it cannot hurt you but it can heal your sense of pain,of loneliness,your fears and you sadness.

Why is it that whenever something bad happens we remember it?,though there are times when they are forgotten. It is as if they never completely leave our minds but hide somewhere and then one day come back again to our memories. I try to forget the bad things, I try to forget about the past and be in the present. Sometimes we are so involved of the things that had happened before that we don't even remember we are living in the present.

I ask a question but there is no answer
There is not an answer for every question is there?
That is why there are so many mysterys in our lives
Because not every question can be answered

I just talked to my cousin on the phone. Oh it's so nice to hear someone's voice after such a long time. I haven't seen her in 3 years.
I miss her very much,that's why a letter or a phone call from her makes me so happy!

The following words have been written by someone but I do not remember the name.I have translated his words from Farsi to English.
1
I love you not because of who you are but because of who you make me when i'm with you.
2
No one deserves your tears and whoever does will not make you cry.
3
If someone does not love you the way you want them to,it does not mean that they don't love you with all their heart.
4
A real friend is one who holds your hands but touches your heart.
5
The worst way of missing someone is being with them and knowing you cannot reach them.(become like them)
6
Never miss a smile,even if you are sad because someone might fall in love with your smile.
7
You could be only one person in the world,but for some you are the whole world.
8
Never spend your time with someone who does not want to spend time with you.
9
Maybe God wants you to meet a lot of wrong people and then the right person.So when you find that person you can be more thankful.
10
Do not be sad for things that are gone,smile to the things that will come.
11
There are always people who bother you,though trust others and becareful not to trust the ones that have bothered you.
12
Turn yourself into a better person and you can be sure that you will know yourself before you meet someone else. And that person will know you.
13
Don't put too much pressure on yourself, the best things happen when you are not expecting them.

I saw on the t.v screen the world trade center standing tall
A moment later I saw a plane coming by
It hit the building so suddenly,that i didnot have time to realize
At first i didn't get what happened
It was like a movie,a sight so amazing
Then I realized what was going on
I still couldnot believe my eyes
After everything became clear, it was so sad to think it through
The people in the plane,the ones inside the building...
It was a day no one will forget

I was staring at the clock almost the whole time in Chemistry class. Though it was not responding to my commands! My mind was on that clock.Which took a very small piece of the classroom but at the same time it was the most important thing in there,which made it look bigger. I was hoping it would move faster and faster but it was taking its time,laughing at me! It finally reached 2:05 and the bell rang.

When you feel afraid of your surroundings,your own thoughts,other's comments and thoughts,there is nothing left for you but despair.
You feel you want to be free from the words,you don't want to hear anything,see anything,know anything.Even your own thoughts and imaginations that lead you to despair. You are suddenly afraid of your own being,afraid of your every step,every word,every little movement.You think every person around you is watching you,you can't move,you feel like nothing. You are nothing to anyone,anything.But then a sudden spark comes to your brain and you are out of the nightmare.

If you ask me I would say that I love Iran. Because I was born and raised there,because it was where I took my first step,said the first word and saw life for the first time.My memories are hidden in every street and every corner. My laughter is recorded in our house. The sound of every step is recorded and I can hear it even now. Noises,the cars,the construction of a building right infront of us. I can close my eyes and see myself walking on that same street of ours,to the same door,to the same brown house with the basement. I can walk up those steps again,reach the first floor and knock on my uncle's door.Then I can walk to the second floor and then the third,ours. I can go in,there is a mirror right infront and a long carpet. I can call my sister and brother and they'll come.
I love Iran because it is where I first learned to see how life is,its steepness and its hills.How to live with others and not hate them because of their looks,try to be friendly even if dislike them. I saw life in a different way that it is now,I never imagined someday I would end up here. I never thought that one day I would have to leave everything behind. I never thought that I would pack everything and just go. I never thought of being miles and miles away. But now that I am here and now that I am ready to live here,I can go on, I have to go on.

Sometimes I am in a totally different place. I am lost in my own thoughts and for a second I feel like I am somewhere else. Has this ever happened to you? When you wish to be elsewhere and you keep thinking and thinking until you are lost! Or you look at a picture of your vacation and you want so much to be there.

Today is where you make a difference,today you do something that you might never do again. You might see something that you may never see again. Today is your day to change everything,to become someone you want to be,to see the world,experience,travel,whatever. Today you can start to love yourself and accept who you are. You can be as happy as you can be,because it might end soon and you won't have another chance. Today is special,because you're alive,you can breath and you can enjoy every moment,you have freedom when so many people don't,you have a better chance to live,where so many people don't,you can enjoy your surroundings,where so many people can't,you are special to someone,where so people aren't. Today can be the best day of your life,so make it one.

Does it ever end?
Does this world that we live in ever end?
The excitment,the action,the signs and attractions?
Does it ever end?
This game we play everyday, our life,does it end?
Does it matter if it ends,does it matter to us?
Does is all end together,without warning,without notice?
How does it end? Does it all disappear?
Where would we be when it ends? Would we even know when it ends?
Who cares if it ends? It's not today is it?

As the weather changes, my attitude seems to change along with it. When it rains,everything is a blur,the memories seem to go away.When it is fogy,I am in a dream on the road.When it rains a little,humdity,sticky, like today,I want to complain about everything and nag. Though it is a good difference because if it were to stay the same,it would not be enjoyable.

So that I would know that I have not wasted any of my time. So that each and every moment of this unknown period of time that we live each day can be remembered. So that I can think back everyday and say yesterday was the best day and today will be even better. So that when I am old, I would know that I have done things and I won't feel sorry that I am old. So that I can say I had the best life when I was young and I still do. So that I would never feel ashamed of not having done anything. So that when I am ready to leave, I would be proud.

Today I felt like doing more. Right now it 10:21 and I still don't want to sleep,but go somewhere,anywhere. Though I don't know where!
We are people who sleep early,my parents are already in bed but I don't want to go to bed. I went to Borders and when we were in the car I told my mom,lets go somewhere else now,but I didn't know where. Oh well ...

To be alive,to breath,to enjoy the warmth of sun and the cool breez of Autumn. To feel like being part of the world. Isn't it great?
Don't you think that by remembering the fact that you are alive everyday can help you be more excited to live. IT IS GREAT TO BE ALIVE!

The center of motion pictures and fake lives of actors. When we see them,we happen to think they are the best,the coolest or the prettiest people. They're cool,good-looking,famouse,rich,and so on. But is their lives like ours? Maybe a little but not exactly. It is rather fake, i'm not trying to be mean or anything but their lives is partly fake,they play the roles of ones who don't really exist. To them,it is achiving their goals but to us it is watching characters and wanting to be them. You hear stories on t.v,this actor did this,this one got married and had a huge,fancy wedding,this one is having a baby,this one got arrested and so on. To you is it a real life or just simply fake?

Keep on walking and don't stop until you reach your goal. Keep on walking and don't stop until you reach that door,the one that's open,the one you see and always go through. Keep on walking and don't stop until you see a mirror and find yourself in there. Keep on walking and don't stop until you are out of air,and certain that you have gone through every single door.

Oh it has it's own ways. You think you have the perfect friend,you think that you have finally found someone you can hangout with all the time,but people are not perfect. They can make mistakes,they can be the wrong people for you. You've got to choose right, be careful which road you are picking and which stop signs. Don't fool yourself and don't fool others and don't let them fool you.

Green represents peace,freedom,happiness,life,grace. It is a color of many flags,including Iran. As for personality green is for hard-working people.

I have seperate feelings for different places. When i am here, i feel free in some ways,i feel that every door is open though i must make the effort to move and go through each one. When i think about iran,when i was there,3 years ago. I think about how i used to feel,i can't remember exactly,now when i think about iran, it is just a deep sad feeling. Like a place i know so well but haven't been in a long time. I really want to go,really.

Babies are probably the ones who have the most freedom in this world. They don't have to think like we do,they don't have to be prepared for life,yet. Though it will be over very soon,that they won't even remember when they had that freedom. They are free from knowledge,and they are probably the only ones. Their world is completely different than ours. Everything that they get is prepared for them and they are free from the adult-world.

Does anyone even read this thing????
I wonder!
Well read it people!

You have probably heard the saying "laughter is a medicine to every pain",well I believe that it is true. When you laugh,you probably have a reason right? You don't just laugh,something makes you laugh. You might be happy,hyper,or just normal. But for a few seconds or a minute,you feel great,right? You forget about whatever pain you have,you forget about many things,you just laugh and at that moment you probably think only about the joke or whatever that made you laugh. It could be for a long time or just a few minutes,but no matter how long it is,you do forget the pain,trust me you do. Or atleast you are still enjoying yourself,maybe you have a very painful injury or sickness but laughter,even for a little while makes you feel something other than pain. Which I think is great! So laugh!

Is a tree with green and yellow leaves, it's autumn I think. It is cold,sunny though,the tree is half dark and half lit. I want to get out,I want go far beyond my window. Go forward,forward,forever until I am out of breath. I want to go far and see what's there. The window won't let me go that far away. It only makes me jealous of the beauty outside.I want to fly out of my window,and get out of this donjon.
I want to see the rest of God's creation, I want to take off my sunglasses and see the world with my own eyes. If only I could get rid of this window,if only I could.

7:00 Am,I woke up this morning.The first thing I saw,out side the window infront of me,was the morning sky. Oh,it was so beautiful,I wanted to take a picture. There were those long stretchy clouds and the bottom was an orange color which later turned to purple. A purple sky! Really I'm not kidding. Oh it was so amazing!

Life is full of unforgettable memories. Both the worst and the best are imprisoned by our powerful mind.They follow us like shadows and won't go away. Sometimes show themselves in our dreams in the strangest form. Wild and frightening they are at times.And ofcourse in our dreams there is no possible way to make them go away,God has made it that way. It is so real,almost hard to believe it's just a dream. And it only reveals itself when the mind is finally awake. It is strong enough to help us remember a faint of the dream.
"Dreams follow us like shadows in the darkness","Dreams are endless thoughts in a person's mind."

What ? Dreams?Work?Education?Fun?Ups and downs? Memories?Boredom?
Everything you can name. It is just the way it is and the way it will be forever,unless some day it all ends. Who knows if there is a day that it'll all end,who knows if we have to go on and on forever until our soul is in the heavens. Time is priceless.It is infinite,goes forever but flies fast.Therefore it is golden. Your minutes and seconds are what makes up your whole life. You could be dancing all night,or reading all day. Gossping for an hour or praying day by day. Watching t.v for two hours and not remembering a thing afterwards. Anything you do counts and makes up your life. You think you have a lot of time,but you really don't. Make something out of it then,do something so you can remember you did it. So you can use it for the future.Time is really running by.And life is full of it!

I have not written for quiet a long time. Well I was pretty busy with life,that's the only reason. Or there were times that I didn't feel like writing and nothing interesting came to my mind. But hopefully things will reach my mind again!

Sunday,sunny day, cool and windy

Today we had a visit to a park in Richmond. A nice place by the mountains. It was nice,though very windy. And cold,ofcourse. But the most important thing was the view.An amazing view I say,big mountains,lots of trees with red and yellow leaves. AWESOME!

Where are you on this planet? Some of us don't even know yet. We just live for what there is, we do not care about the actual reason for our existence. Why do we exist anyway? To get good sense of how it feels to be alive? To work ourselves to death? Why then do we exist? Where are we?
Maybe there is not an answer for every qestion that is in our minds right now. Maybe some things are really unexplainable.

Sometimes,before I fall asleep, I think of all the memories from my past. All the good times and bad times. I close my eyes and try to picture them in my head.Though I feel like it wasn't me. They are so far away from me,the memories,that it is hard to believe it was me. A life can be so different in two countries so far away. I've been feeling homesick for 3 years. Thinking of my home,just brings me to tears and saddens me. How much I miss it,I can't say.And it seems almost impossible to think of going back.

There is nothing in my mind,I can not put any words in this page. Sometimes it is hard to think of something to write about. But in reality there are so many things in my mind that I can not even name. Everything at some point clusters in my brain and will not leave me alone. I become so desperate to make them go away.

We drove to Ocean-city on Friday night. A city by the sea,with not alot of crowd. So cold and windy,but it was ok. We spent the night at a small motel. A quiet place,though the room was freezing cold! Thank God it had a heater. As we were driving to the city,inside our car,I was laying back,watching the trees go past us,like shadows. Today,Saturday,we drove to the sea,very cold,we walked a little and went back to pack our things. Afterwards we had a chance to visit Anapolis,the capital of Maryland. It was like European cities. Nice and fancy with shops and nice houses. We went back home then,I was glad.

I woke up this morning, with the hope of snow. I was right. It did snow. The first snow of the year. I was merrily happy, and I still am.
I love snow, but I hate rain. Snow is white,soft,holds a different tune. It is joyful to watch. I walked outside and felt it under my feet. I looked around me and the place seemed a different place. I could hardly recognize our street. I walked back home happily,smiling for each step into the snow.

6 More days until the day I will cleberate my 15th year in this world of wonders. I can not be any happier! I have been on earth for 15 years and I have seen so many many things, it will take forever to write them down. The most important thing I've learned is no one and nothing in this world is perfect. But you can make the best out of what there is and what you have. I have lived a life in two countries and I have seen people from all around the world. I have had great, sweet memories, I have had sad ones. There were things I did not wish to see, there were times of pain. There were sweet dreams, there were the worst. To me life is just one big game full of surprises. I am trying to make the best out of my life and I am trying to become somebody in this game.

We will be gone tomorrow, to Orlando, Florida. I am so excited! It will be our first visit. I will write about it when we come back next Wednesday.

Right now I am in Orlando,Florida, in an Apple computer store! Cool!

We were on the roads for the longest time. The first stop was Charlotte, North Carolina. What a city! With the most beautiful houses I have ever seen. Mostly rich people. Even the shops that we have here were fancier over there. We slept in our friend's house and hit the roads again next morning. Our destiny:Orlando, Florida. We made it and found our hotel.

Disney World:Epcot

Our first day was spent at one of Disney's parks called Epcot. A very huge park with lots and lots of people. A very beautiful park (I will use Beautiful a lot). We visited some of its rides which were mostly educational. Forexample: The energy of the Universe, starting Bill Nye and Ellen. It was fun, you bet!

Disney World:Magic Kingdom

Our third day was at the other park of Disney, Magic Kingdom, where you meet your favorite Disney charactors! It was twice as crowded as Epcot. The weather was good, sunny and nice. Although at night it was very very cold! I think I had more fun in Magic Kingdom. At 8:00 PM there was a parade, very cool! And at 9:00 was fireworks, awesome!

Orlando Itself

Orlando was a very nice and peaceful city which reminded me of an island in Iran called Kish. The cool part about Orlando were the Palm trees. So you get the point, it was a very nice place to stay at for Christmas vacation. We did expect it to be very hot but it wasn't!

What is hidden beneath those eyes who watch me every day? What is hidden beneath those faces? Is there a secret? A question?
An answer? Do I see them or their faces? Is there more beneath a person's eye?
I don't know any of them and they don't know me. But I know that every one of them has a story and every one of them is searching for their identity.

One of the things I like about America is diversity. When poeple from all over the world walk around us everyday we get a good feeling.
A feeling of being different but yet important. We get to know their feelings and they get to know ours. We try to help them recover from their pasts and they try to help us understand how they have suffered among millions of others. If there was no diversity we would be trapped in stupidity and selfishness. We would feel too good, having a lot of freedom while others don't even no what freedom means. Most of us have had those feelings before coming to this society, we must not forget them, if we do, we won't know how the other part of the world suffers.

When a new year arrives, we tend to pretend we want to change things, ourselves and our lives. But then we forget again and leave it off to the next year. We make plans to do good things and get out of our bad habits, eat more healthy food rather than junk food, help more people, and all sorts of things. Some of them we might actually do, but others are forgotten as always. Whenever we can, we try to find different excuses to do things later rather than now. We don't know that later is really right now!

Are you an optimist-one who sees life beautifully with the acception of its ugly sides and with a positive outlook?, or a pessimist-one who sees life just as a big disaster with no way to get out?

Well if you are an optimist good for you! Life is not just a big disaster which you have fallen into. It can be so good if you keep that good and positive atitude. It will be difficult at times but let's face it, nothing is easy.

Now if you are a pessimist, you need to look on the positive side. If you can learn how to ignore the ugly sides of life or can deal with it, you'll be fine. The thing about being a pessimist is you won't get to enjoy what you have for as long as you breath. We only get to live once in this so called disaster of yours, only once and that's it. Trust me you don't want to be like this until you're 80.
Now if you think there is an after life... then I don't know!

Who is the smartest of all? Who is the prettiest of all?

Oh please! Be serious! Does this really matter? Isn't having individual differences enough?
Why can't we accept who we are instead of trying so hard to be like others?

We are individuals seeking uniqueness. We are not competing, we are not racing, we are simply looking for our true identity. We cannot change our brains, we cannot change anything that has already been decided by God. We HAVE to accept ourselves otherwise we'll never be satisfied. Never. We can change our minds though, think deeper, but we are still we. All of us have different talents, different ideas, that makes us unique. And accepting ourselves is a challenge and there is simply no other choice.

I've been stuck at home for five days. I have gotten plenty of rest. But yet again am bored. My only choices are the following: Reading,writing, playing the violin, and t.v. That's about all. You see even these things become boring when you have to do them every day with nothing else to do.

We had an ample of snow this time! Boy it was a lot. Everything now is covered by its whiteness. It is beautiful, but beauty sometimes means danger. Beauty is not everything. Having it is not all wonderful. Having a brain is wonderful. Beauty fools us so easily.

It's saturday night already. Which means the day is already gone and the night has just begun. Although that will end too, pretty soon.
Today was another day, time gave no mercy. It just took my day away. I am sitting in my room, typing these words without even knowing why. Some nights I just think of things that make me angry and just mad. And the more I think about them, the worse it gets. So then I would have to think of good things and just try to fall asleep. Right now I don't know exactly how I feel. I only wish I could talk to somebody.

The year is almost gone, yet I think I have time. Time to enjoy the month of March, the Spring, and the beauty of nature. I think that even though the year is almost gone, there is still a chance for me to find myself. To really find my soul. To make a difference in my life. The life I lead everyday, every morning, every night, every minute. I have to be honest, I enjoy my life the way it is, although I wish for some changes. Changes that would make it even better.

My sister and I, though miles and miles apart, are very close. She is fourteen years older than me, I love her just the same. She is my role model and truly inspires me. I always thought it would be nice to have a younger sister, since I was the last child. But later I realized that for me, having an older sister and two older brothers was way better. They are simply the best and I cannot ask for anyone better.
I feel lonely a lot of times, since not many people are around. Although by now, I am pretty much used to not having all my family around, it is still hard. I've had to deal with this since the second grade, when my dad left us for the first time. It was tough, it was weird and strange. It was hard to get used to it. See I'm a family girl, I cannot live without them. It's just the way I am.
They mean everything to me, every single one of them. Every day I pray that one day we'll all be together. One day we will and that day will be special. Sometimes thinking about it too much, exhausts me. Tears can't even replace it. Only silence, where I can think about other things, laugh not cry and smile to what I have and not cry over what is not there. That's the way I deal with life.

I hate rain, though not today. Today I didn't hate it. I enjoyed every drop. I walked from school to home with my friend in the rain. We didn't have to walk but we didn't know it was gonna rain. So when it did, we thought oh great, we'll get wet. But it wasn't much. We did get wet but I liked it. For the first time I didn't mind getting wet. It's funny because when I was little I always wanted to walk in the rain.
Now I don't. But today I did. I don't really know why, I guess it was the fresh air and nice Spring odor. Yeah, I think that's why.

Our Iranian new year is tomorrow. I don't know whether I should be happy or not. I really don't know. Everything changed suddenly. I mean the war with Iraq. I don't like watching the news, I don't like hearing about it. It just breaks my heart. I don't like war, I like peace. Peace is what everybody wants, I know. But it's almost never around is it?

There is another reason that I don't know how I should feel. It's my family. For the 4th time we won't have a celebration with my sister and brother. They are there, we are here. Oh sometimes I just hate to think of the unfairness of life.

I was soooo tired today. I still am. What a week! I wish we could still have Monday off, oh well. I had to drag myself to all my classes, barely awake. But I paid attention anyway. Well there wasn't really anything to pay attention to actually. First I had P.E( short for Pain Everyday), then Geometry ( we took a really easy test), Lunch- eating homemade sandwiches and reading a book, sometimes talking to friends near by, Spanish after that( Spanish 1-boring but easy) and finally Orchestra. I was too tired for that but I played anyway, I had to.

Yeah, life is hard but what isn't?

When my mom and I drifted with the ocean, we thought of many many things. We were in the plain, over the waters, thinking of my father. He, who had to leave four years before. We had waited and waited for four years. I hated it. I hated waiting. Waiting for something that was so far away. Too far in miles and too far in our brains. But it came, after a long while it came. I remember jumping in the air with excitement, but I don't remember thinking what would become of me and us as a family. My dad was the one I cared about and wanted to see at that moment.

As we were drifting, I was filled with joy. The joy of seeing my father and the joy of a new country, whom many called it heaven. They said you'll have everything, you'll be free, you'll be so happy there. That's what they said before we came.

I hugged him tightly and kissed him on his cheek. He laughed and hugged us both. We had come a long way and were exhausted. But with my father, exhaustion did not mean anything. He was our strength.

After a few weeks I realized my life wouldn't be the same. I had expected a house, a car and everything. But we had to work for it. It wasn't the way I thought it would be. The way I wanted it to be and had imagined it for four years. I started feeling lonely, I longed for the rest of my family, for our old house, and our own mystery. The only thing that helped me survive was knowing that I was the luckiest girl for having things that others didn't and for having the best parents in the world.

Words are weapons we use every day. You can make a person happy by just one word or make them very angry, by just one word.
Words can hurt, but can also heal. You can express yourself with words, you can hurt a person's feeling. So watch what you say.
Once you've said it, you can't take it back. And SORRY doesn't always work.

I miss that place so much, it is driving me crazy. Everyday I think about it. Everyday I remember the 11 years that I spent in that place, with my family and cousins. Gosh, it was so long ago. Sometimes I think it must have been someone else, not me, who had lived there. I can hardly reach that other part of me. She is almost gone, the little girl who talked and thought in a different language. The little girl who thought the world is a perfect place. The little girl who didn't even know herself. I wish she was still here. I wish she was here so I could refresh my memory of what my life was just 3 years ago. Yes, my memory still works, but someday it won't. Some day I won't even remember her. Was it destiny that brought me here? Perhaps it was.

It's Wednesday afternoon and I'm thinking wow, it's already Wednesday! I have nothing else to say except one thing: tomorrow is another day!

I consider myself a very lucky girl. I have so many opportunities that many don't. I have a future, sadly many don't. I can make my own decisions, I have my rights. Yet so many don't, many whom I know. I have the best parents in the world. And I mean that with all my heart and I will say it for the rest of my life.
My mom is a woman I love deeply. She went through a lot of difficulties in her life. She lost loved-ones, she went through a long term pain, she was without her children for five years, for no reason. She grew up during the Shah's leadership, the revolution and eight years of war with Iraq. She never talks about her past because it hurts her heart and mind, I understand that. She is the strongest woman I have ever met.
My father is a funny,shy and a kind-hearted gentleman. He is very precious to me. When I was eight years old, he went to America. He had two big surgeries and was without his family for four years, alone in a strange world. A bigger world that had everything. Yet, with all the pain and all the loneliness he remained strong and never forgot to smile. He is the reason I am here. After four years my mom and I joined him. It was the best moment for all of us.
I have every reason to be happy, to feel lucky and to say that I want to live. I want to live even though things don't always go right, even though life is hard. If I tell you of all the things I have, you might not think that I am that lucky since you might have more. But I am, at least to me. My family is the reason I am the luckiest. Without them I could never survive.

This year I feel like I have grown more. My thoughts are more reasonable, more effective. I seem to see the world more openly. I feel a lot of change in myself from the past years. I am seeing the real world and feeling that my surroundings are real, life is real, at least now, and the future is in my hands. Yet the fear of the future does not leave. I am scared. Like I've always been of what is going to come and what will happen to me. Sometimes I don't feel important, but I know I am.

I am less afraid of not understanding. When I don't understand something, I let it pass by until I want to understand it. Some things have to be understood, others can be understood later. I now know my abilities, my strengths and my weaknesses. I know my talents and I know I am different than others, and it doesn't bother me like it used to. I don't care if I am not smart in a particular subject, I care about what I can do and what I know. I am not afraid of High school like I was on August 19th, I am afraid of the future.

I am planning to go to Iran this Summer. I've waited for a long time. I think now it's the time. To reach my old self and walk back to my childhood memories. Those were good years that I will never forget. Maybe going back could help me strengthen my mind. And I can feel less home-sick. I also want to see the faces of my people. I want to remember how it felt not having much freedom. I don't want to be selfish and forget how people suffer.

When I go, to them I will be very different. To me they will be different too. But I'm still me no matter what.

School is almost over. I am glad. I am longing to take a break. I am longing to escape. This time I will go to Iran, my home, miles and miles away. There are paths and places that I need to see again. There are important family members that I must see.
I don't complain about my life. How can I when I know that I am lucky to be where I am and to have what I have. I could not ask for more. But there is something that I must ask God to give me. And that is for my sister and brother to join us in America.
I am where I need to be. And that is what matters. Because if you are not where you want to be, then what is the meaning of life? Life is full of everything. Things that are meant to be and things that can change. In order to alter these things, there must be confidence and a positive attitude. If you are so negative that you think there is nothing you can do to change something, then how are you going to live the rest of your life?

Why is the world so complicated? Why is life so complicated?
Are we the ones making it complicated or was it meant to be complicated?
All I know is that that's the way it is. We have to deal with it even if it is complicated. Nothing is done easily. Nothing can be done if there is no hard work for it. If it was just one happy simple life, then would people really work hard? Would they care to make a difference? I don't think so. Sometimes the challenge is what people want. They want to work for it and challenge themselves.

Right now my life is very complicated. Maybe not exactly for me, but for my parents. There are too many things to think and worry about. It is just too difficult to even think about it. So I'm just leaving it to God. He will decide.

When I go back to the place where my home once was, I will carefully look and absorb things with my eyes. I will write down every thing that catches my eyes. My mom told me to look carefully because I won't see the same things I see here. I have to try to remember everything so that I will know how much I have to be thankful for once I get back. For me this trip will not be like any other trip that I ever went to. This will be different. This trip will bring back many memories and the fact that I no longer live there hurts a bit. And that is because I have to see my people without the things I have. That will be very hard to take.

My journey home is coming to an end. I have to pack very soon. It is what I was most afraid to do. The minute I stepped to my home town I knew that I would have to leave once again. It was a thought I could never escape. I endeavored to think only of my stay and not my leaving.

In America when people vote for their president they accept him even if he does something not too great. The government respects people's privacy. It might not do exactly what the people want, but at least they give them the freedom of speech, petition?
In Iran not only do they not respect people?s privacy, they don't give them any sort of freedom. They easily enter one?s private life and question them rudely.
When I was little my parents complained about the regime, but I didn't know why. I thought why? What have they done? Now everything is clear and right in front of my eyes. It is clear why Iran is getting worst everyday, it is clear why there is no hope left for people.

I have said this word many times. Each time I said it I felt sad. I felt like nothing could make me happy. It has been the hardest word to say and pronounce, yet I have said it.
I will leave Iran next Thursday. I'm trying to prepare myself to say good-bye. I'm trying hard not to feel disappointed or sorry.
I will miss every single person. I will miss our house once again. I will miss the people with their troubled faces, and their torn lives. I do, however, believe that they can survive. I wish them the best of luck. I wish that Iran would be that "Great Persia" again.
When I was in the plane to Tehran, I thought wow, I'm finally home! Now it is time to go back.
Everything ends at some point. Some things stay in our hearts forever, some walk out of our memories. This trip will never leave my memory nor will it leave my heart. I hope people remember their nationality and their home land because that?s where their life started. To me Iran is the greatest country. I don't care who ruled and who made it a mess. I care about where I stepped when I was a child and didn't now what life was. I care about what it meant to me when I walked in the streets holding my mother's hand. I care about what it felt like to be home, the safest place for a kid. I care about how hard it was to leave Iran, almost knowing it will be permanent.

I still think about my last moments in Tehran. I loved being there. It made me alive. I loved the food, the music, and the ground in which I stepped on.
Iran had changed and I had changed with it. I realized even more how lucky I was to live outside of Iran. I wish I could have stayed. I wish I could stay.
In the plane I took one last look at the big Tehran and cried. I felt very lonely. I left part of me in Tehran. I left my heart so I could make our house alive again.

Yesterday we went to a park nearby. The parks in Europe are way different than the parks in Iran. In Iran the people have to sit or walk. In Europe they can lie on the grass; women in bikinies, men shirtless. They can ride boats on the lake without being afraid of falling into the water. They can kiss under the trees and no one will ever care. They can sleep under the sun and ...
This is freedom. Freedom is a word full of meanings. In some places freedom is closing the doors to music but letting humans breath. In others freedom is having a life with no remarks, no forces that tell you what to do, how to dress, or what not to write. I come from a country without freedom. That's why I know what freedom actually is.

I feel safe, protected, invisible, and happy. No one can see my smile, no one can read my mind. No one can stare at me. No one can touch me. No one can see my tears. It is a short yet sweet escape. It is an escape from reality. An escape from all sounds and all voices. Under the water is the best place to rest in. To forget pain, pressure, sorrow, and all feelings. It is a short escape.

When I was leaving Iran I realized how fast the minutes vanished. One minute I was in my house, talking to them for the last time, laughing, and crying. The next minute I was flying.
Is life always like this? Has it been in such fast speed all along or was it just me who didn't realize? Everything is in fast speed and ends quick.
I am planning to go see the world. I want to go to Mecca, Egypt, China, Japan, evey single country. I want to live long. I always wonder what happens after this life. Is there reincarnation?
In Iran they say they will go to heaven because they are already in hell.
I also wonder who I would have been if I never lived in Iran. Would I have known what freedom is? Would I have cared about the world?

Pretty soon I will leave Belgium. To be exact it will be Tuesday, July 22nd. This time I will go back to America. I should start saying "home", but no matter how hard I try I can never call anywhere home except Iran. Part of me is still there.
I talked to my mom yesterday. She said she is waiting for me. To be honest I don't miss America, I miss my parents and the life I have there. There's a bit of fear in me everytime I have to go back to that life. It is the fear of school, work, and other things. I often feel lonely in America without my sister and brothers. I always feel the need for them to be with me.

I went to the park today with mom. I ran a bit and then walked. My arms and shoulders still hurt from picking up the suitcases.
Again I started comparing. This time America and Iran. I was very upset in Iran because I noticed the unfairness. I always knew it, but knowing is different than seeing. When you see, you understand. You really understand. So I saw and I wasn't happy to see a country falling apart.
In the park today I told mom about my journey. I told her how I felt. She felt the same, she understood me. That's all I can write right now. My mind is somewhere else...

Saturday mornings people go to the mall and spend their morning and part of their afternoon shopping.
The road is clear. Not too many cars. Not too much traffic. It is a joy to drive.
At home music can play loudly.
At the movies people quiet down when the film starts.
People are not allowed to smoke in public places.
Choosing a comfortable outfit is not a problem.
Writing is not a crime.
Speaking is not wrong.
Dreaming is allowed.
Success exists.
Freedom is a word.
Love is a reality.

My parents looked at the many photos I had taken from Iran. As I saw, I stepped into them and the memories reminisced.
My relatives saw me as an older, wiser, and a changed person. A very different person from the one they used to know. Now that I’m back I feel even more changed.
The future keeps knocking on my door and I get worried. I try to enjoy my life without thinking of tomorrow or the day after.
I already had fifteen years of life and there is more to come.
I don’t want to be famous, but I want to be noticed. I want to be unique. I want to be remembered.

A minute ago I didn’t know what to write about. I couldn’t write about love because I don’t know what love is. I couldn’t write about happiness because it is different for everyone. For me happiness is being with my family and enjoying life. For someone else happiness might be a glass of cold water or a chocolate cake. To a homeless happiness can be a home with a nice cozy blanket. To a starving man happiness can be a piece of bread. To a rich family happiness can be a new Mercedes or a villa near the ocean. To a little kid happiness can be a toy with mom and dad.
I can’t write about sadness because it brings pain. I can’t write about the world simply because I haven’t yet seen it all.
I have an opportunity to write and let others see it. I write in a cool room, with music, and a computer. Somewhere out there, someone else might be writing, but in a small space, with an almost broken pencil, with lots of disturbing noise, too much heat, and no one to show it to.

When you set foot in a place to begin a life you don't know what will become of that life. Or maybe you do. You are not aware of the changes that take place and you might not expect any surprises, but we all know that life is full of them.
As an 8 year-old I never expected to live in America or even to leave my land. I never imagined that my time was going to be very short and unfortunately I didn't know how precious life was.
Right now life is acceptable for me. I have accepted the past and the present and I don't regret any part of my life.

We got back home safely. It was a very enjoyable trip especially because of my brother's presence.
When I think of all these happy times, I know that life is great. There's no doubt about it. Of course everyone's life is different. To me the happy times count, though I learn from all of it, happy or sad.
I have 10 more days left before school starts. I am hoping to have a good year.

We attended an Iranian-Afghani wedding yesterday. The wedding was held at a Marriot hotel in D.C. Most women had their heads covered. Dance was not allowed, though music was playing. They made some speeches for the bride and the groom. The groom and the bride had invited their American friends as well. At the end of the ceremony the room was divided. On the right side there were ladies who wanted to dance without anyone seeing them. The rest were on the left side. It was a bit of a surprise to see this in America

We live close to Washington, though we don't see it often. It is a nice city with beautiful surroundings. It is also beautified by its history. To me New York was more alive, probably because of its many tourists. Washington doesn't shine like New York, yet both are beautiful in their own ways.

It seems like I had more to write about when I was in Iran. I guess it was because it was a new experience and because I had never written anything about it.
I still feel as though it was dream, but either way it was great. It was so great to see my land again and to walk among the people I once knew. Or I thought I knew. The people were great. They were cool and were fun to be around with. Iran is a great country, if you don't look at its government. It always was.
So once again, I had an awsome Summer, one that I will always remember.

I've joined the volleyball team. It's pretty good so far. I'm not a sports person, but I thought I'd give it a try. School starts on Monday. I'm nervous. It's going to be a difficult year. I will stay positive though. My brother leaves on Tuesday. It was real nice to have him with us. We're going to miss him. When I was little I didn't know how great my siblings were until they were gone.
Life is still going on. I'm just going to relax, I'll try. Besides I still have two days.

I packed my bookbag for tomorrow's torture, school. Well, it's not that bad to be honest. We went to Tyson's corner and had a drink at Starbucks. I had a caramel Frappuccino. It is now 4:25 and we will go to a restaurant at 5. We will have the delicious Iranian kabob, yum.

The Unlimited Sky

That blue wall above is so unbelievably big that you think anything is possible. This world is full of possibilities, so many opportunities, and so many unanswered questions. You see the sun set and you think it is over. You see the sun rise and everything is alive again. If there are so many possibilities why don't we take a risk and use these possiblities to make a difference. Why are we scared of changes, of alterations?

I had a hard long week. It seemed like a long time even though it was just a week. I sort of lost my confidence and worried too much. I could not control myself. I felt very weak. Now I feel much better. My mom always gives me strength and reminds me to be positve and to believe in myself.

I started my week good. I am positive so far, and I am happy. School is fine, volleyball is fun, and life is still going on. I hope my sister passes the nursing exam so we can have here with us. That will be awesome. I saw S.W.A.T on Friday night. It was an awesome movie and definitely worth watching.

Somewhere far in mind I think of things that will matter much later in the future.
In that far place I place all my dreams and the things I want to accomplish. I think of the possibilities and the impossibilities. I focus on who I want to be. I try to erase all discomforting feelings.
Maybe in the future things will happen in a way that I never imagined them happening. Maybe it will be easy to grasp and accept, and maybe it won't.

The world is in search of someone who can bring peace and justice. Someone who can stop war and bring prosperity. Someone who is humane and knows what humanity is. Someone who knows how to treat humans. Someone who is unique and dependable. Someone who knows how to love and how not to hate. Someone who is brave and can protect people.
Who is that someone?

What is life?

Life is so many things. It is the past, the present, and the future. Life is a journey through time, a one time experience. It is a sudden cry at birth and a scream at death. It is quick and unreachable. There is no one definition to life.

One day everything is right and everything seems possible. Another day everything seems out of reach and hopes fade away. But if we keep believing in our faith and the simple fact that we are here for a reason, we can erase all of our doubts and make the possiblilities inevitable. Anything is possible, we only think they're impossible because we are afraid to make them real. In our mind they are so far away that the thought of making them possible is impossible.

Because of Hurricane Isabel we have no school today! I am very happy because I really needed a day off. I feel very confident right now and I feel like myself.
Everyday on the way to school I think of what life really is. I think of life after high school and wonder what that would be like. What would I do? Where would I be?

I keep thinking but nothing strikes my mind. I have run out of ideas. I have run out of thoughts. Is that possible? To run out of thoughts? The world is full of things to think about, full of ideas, yet I'm sitting here and I can't think of anything.
Maybe I need to look around me. Maybe I need to discover something.
After four days of no school, I have found a time to write but nothing comes. It is Sunday. I never like Sundays but I never figured why.
It's funny how when you come into a country so full of freedom, you forget that you actually have freedom. After a while you get used to it and it doesn't seem all that great because it is there. That's the bad thing about people, they easily forget how much they wanted to be somewhere and what their purpose was.
I have not forgotten my purpose.

We won our first volleyball game tonight!! It was exciting. I was very happy because we had worked very hard and really deserved it. I wish every part of life was as exciting as winning a game.

I love the weather today; the breez and the sun. I feel a bit free from my worries. I am enjoying my Saturday and I feel great.
My life is constantly changing. My thoughts are changing about the future. At times I feel like I can handle everthing, but at other times I don't. Either way, deep down I am a happy person. I love my life which allows me to express myself in a way that I could never do before. I might not have a smile every single day, but I do have a happy heart. I am happy that I have made it this far in life. It is not much, though it will be some day.

I just finished another week. It is Friday, the day we all love. I am going to see
a movie tonight since I haven't done it in a while. I will see Under the Tuscan Sun. Then I will sleep early because I am very tired.
I miss everybody in Iran. I miss the food and the sweet smell of home. Sometimes I think, why does life have to be this way? Why can't we all be together? Isn't that what family is?
Then I remember, no matter how far we are in distance, we are never far by heart.

A couple of months while I was still in Iran, I said that I felt like a stranger when I walked among the people and that I was a changed person in the eyes of others. Now I know why; it's because once you know how life is with freedom, your mind starts expanding and begins to think of everything. You begin to question yourself and your beliefs and you start to develop a new view on life. That's what happened to me after living in America for four years. I think the same thing happens to others. If they live in a freedom-less country, they are not allowed to express themselves and they are afraid to think of things contrary to their society or government. But once they are in a place where they can express their mind, then they begin viewing differently and that is why to others they are a changed person. They are their own self but their inner self has changed.

My mom is planning a trip to Iran. She will be gone for a month. She won't be here for my birthday and Christmas. I wish I could go with her but I can't because of school.
I will turn 16 on December 16th. I am very excited to be 16. I don't know how I'm going to feel.
It is Sunday and I have nothing to be excited about except that I'm alive.

Everyone goes through different emotions, every one of us has different aspects and expectations. One expects a perfect score on a test, the other expects to enjoy a victory. No matter what they expect or feel, life goes on with either a storm or a nice warm breez. Nature is careless towards our feelings and our everyday lives. But no matter what happens, we have to learn to survive and continue our steps towards our goal and what we're after.

It has been raining all day. I hate it. It is cold and wet and I have nothing to think about. No, I lied, I have lots to think about. I hope the rain stops. I wish I had someone to talk to. It has been a long yet good day. Everything went well except the weather.

My 4-day week-end is coming to an end. It was really great to have a break. Report cards come out on Friday. Nothing exciting is going on. I have some bad coughs these days, but it's getting better. Exactly 42 days until my birthday. This year is going by fast. It is already November, wow!

This week was both exciting and tiring. The exciting part was the one-day visit of my brother. The tiring part was school and the things I had to think about. One thing you should never do is think about everything at the same time. If you do that, your mind will go crazy and you will think nothing is possible. I am fatigued, but I will still go on.

I look outside and I feel so good inside. Time is running out and November is almost gone. I have learned so much this year that I feel like a new person. It is amazing how much you can learn in a matter of months. You might not know at first, but when you do, months have passed.

I hate it when I feel that I don't deserve what I have. I get the feeling that I don't belong or that I don't deserve my life. Sometimes great things happen to you and you almost don't believe that they did. After a while you feel that you didn't deserve it, someone else did.

School changes every year. One year I like it, one year I don't. But one thing never changes: I always love learning new things. There are days that I love walking down the hallways and looking at faces that have a thousand secrets beneath them. There are also days that being there disturbs me.

Thanksgiving is only a day away. I am happy. Life is great right now.

We drive toward the horizon, calm, yet willing. We are a group of young adults, on our way of becoming important, sophisticated, and brave. We wake up by the sun and go through the day thinking of the future and what will become of us. As we journey on the road, the sun comes out, ready to shine our day. It is not easy to get up every morning, not knowing what will happen in the future, with a wave of uncertainty following us like a shadow. The days are long, yet life is too short. Everyday we make choices about our life and future, and everyday there comes many questions, sometimes with no answers.

I turned sixteen today. I can't believe it. I am truly happy. Very happy. This is the best day. I feel great. I wish everyday could be my birthday.

Many lost their lives from Friday's massive earthquake in Iran. Innocent people died in the small town of Bam. I was shocked by the terrible news, and yet I could do nothing but pray. They lost their loved-ones, their homes, their children, and their land. They might have been sleeping, or simply having dinner. Then a sudden earthquake teared their whole life, their whole future.
Every night when I go to sleep, I am aware of the roof I'm under, and I know I'm safe. That sense of saftey comes from knowing that my parents are with me, knowing that God is there, and many other reasons. But not everyone has that sense or the safety itself. Maybe there is a way to change that. Maybe some day everyone can feel safe and be safe. We should all help make that change.

A new year begins. I say good-bye to 2003 and hope for a great new year. Hopefully this coming year will not include war or natural disasters, but peace, security, and safety all over the world. I don't have many wishes. I just want peace, happiness, and my family. The last time we were all together was in 1995. Anyway, welcome 2004.

I want peace for the whole world. I want people to see beyond guns and missiles to solve problems. I want them to find words instead. I want them to help others without asking if they need it. I want those in need of help accept it and be greatful.
Let the light of sun
and a child's laughter
fill the day
instead of the news of war
instead of the death that could have been stopped
If we can make so many new creations
why not make peace
the one thing every human asks for:
world peace

The first day back to school was very difficult. Actually the whole week was. And my mother wasn't there to help me out. One thing I noticed was no one had really changed. The ones who were immature were still immature, and the ones who were mature had stayed mature. I thought maybe the start of the new year would make them change a little. My new year's resolution was to worry less, but I did the exact opposite when I started school again. Anyway, mom is coming back on Monday so I'm very happy.

I feel parted from my sister and brother. While my brother got engaged, my dad and I were here. I saw pictures when my mom came back and cried from happiness. I wished so much that I could have been there. So many years I've been growing up without them, and they have grown up without us. I don't know everything about them. But I always feel them in my heart. Maybe one day we can be together again. I feel so lucky to have them.

It's been weeks that I've wanted to write something, but nothing interested me.
So today, I thought why not write about the snow we've got. It is very cold outside and the ground is filled with snow. The snow started last night, while I was watching the Golden Globe Awards. I already have tomorrow off also because of teacher-work day. Anyway it is an okay day, I have a cup of tea by my side, and our place is warm and cozy. I talked to my sister today, but like always had nothing much to say. It is very hard to talk deep from the heart to someone you love on the phone.

Some of the winners from the Golden Globes

Outside our window is white. The trees are white, the ground is white, but the sky is a pale blue. Snow is everywhere, but the wind blows and pushes it away. The beautiful snow: another creation of Mother Nature. It seems so simple when you get up and see the world around you white as a ghost, and then the news reporter tells you that your school is closed. So then, you go back to sleep, without wondering about anything else that might be happening around the world, or even in your own building. All you care about is that you don?t have school to worry about, and you can get all the sleep you want. But is that it? Is that really satisfying to you? Don?t you want something more? Something you can hold on to, instead of the snow flakes that melt in your hands?

Go through life the way you go through a beautiful snowy day when nothing worried you. When life gets tough, and when you run out of support, think of that snowy morning that made you happy. Think of how beautiful life is, with and without the snow. Maybe you have your whole family gathered around you, to keep you safe and happy, and to keep you warm. Or maybe you just have a loving friend that makes sure you?re okay. Whoever it is, there must be at least one person that gives you hope. Don?t let your hopes melt along with the snow. Keep dreaming, keep hoping, and one day things will change.

I am lost in a sea of sadness, mixed with nostalgia, and loneliness. Yet when I think of those who love me, it seems as though there is a boat that will rescue me. But sometimes I don?t see a boat and I feel as though I?m drowning. I?

I dried my hair, I polished my nails, I wore three rings and two bracelets, and I told myself that I am going to be happy. I will be happy because life is sweet and I?m 16 years old and I will never be 16 again. And it is good to be alive.

As I?m typing this, I feel very silly, but this is the only way I can let my feelings out.

I?m going to eat now. I?m not lost anymore. At least, not yet.

My cousin who lives in Iran said, �I�m tired of this life, I�m tired of waiting.� In response I said, �Be glad that you have two arms, two legs, two beautiful eyes, a family, people who love you, a roof that you can sleep under�� Then I said �Should I say more?� She said �No, what you said was beautiful, you�re right.�

It is so easy to tell someone these things, but it is hard to tell them to yourself. After I told her these simple things, I realized for the hundredth time, that I have to do the same. I have to keep believing, and I have to be even more thankful. These things, however simple they might seem are what hold us together. It is with our eyes that we see the sun everyday, the smile of little children. We reach out with our arms to help a friend, and we walk with our legs places that stay deep within our hearts. If these simple things are not seen, then why would we bother to help a friend or walk a mile just to see something beautiful?

The beauty of life is having your family around you. Even knowing they?re there for you makes life a whole lot sweeter.

My sister finally got to see my oldest brother. They hadn?t seen each other in 7 years and a half. I was very touched and excited to know she will see him. And when I saw a picture of them at the airport, holding each other, I cried, out of extreme happiness.

If you believe in good things, good things will come your way. If you believe in yourself, you can achieve anything. It takes time to get to where you want to be. But it doesn?t take much time to believe in yourself.

The streets of Manhattan are one of the most beautiful amongst many. I love walking in Manhattan because of its beauty and color. It's just a city full of diversity from many nations and cultures. It's sort of magical when you see how alive the city is. If you are a foreigner like me, you almost never realize you're different because everyone else is different. And you never get bored because there are so many things to see, to listen to, and to capture. You can do this everyday and you won't get tired. There's a power within the city that, like a magnet, keeps you in.

What I like about my American life is that I know for sure that I have a chance at success. It's this simple: I have goals and I know there are ways to acheive them. I might not know what the future holds, but I can try and keep trying to get something.

Do you ever feel like you're trapped inside, in your thoughts, or your feelings are no longer in control?

Some things are just uncontrollable, undefined, undoable...

How do you go on? How do you save yourself from falling?

You just have to hold on, think of the things ahead, the rest of the journey...

Almost 100,000 Iraqis have died, along with their friends and families who have suffered. The city is a mess, destroyed, with people full of hatred. I do not think a democracy exists. I do not think the people gained anything. I do not think it was worth it. Why did we go to war? Isn’t this the 21st century? Weren’t we supposed to have learned from the past wars?
I do not understand. I am confused. When I read the new paper or listen to the radio, my heart fills with rage and it hurts me inside. I have great animosity towards the ones who caused this mess. I am angry because powerful people never understand humanity, they just don’t get it.
You think when you come to America nothing bad will happen. You think people will become top priority. You think you will always be safe. You think…
I am a proud American citizen. I am a proud Iranian. I am happy to be in America. I just wish I didn’t have to see innocents die. Why am I so weak? Why can’t I be the one who helps them?
It is not easy for me to sit in my house and know that across the ocean, people are being killed. It is not easy for me to know that families are being torn apart. Instead of getting freedom, they have lost even the little freedom they had. They have lost their loved-ones because America, once again, decided to interfere. They have lost their hope because they have nothing to hold on to.
Is this freedom? Is this Democracy? If it is, why are there no signs?
I wish everyone could see what I see.

This year has been a roller coaster for me. I’ve been up, down, up, down, and finally, now, up.
I’ve guessed I came to the realization that I don’t have to perfect; I don’t have to wait for myself to suddenly rise up and change the world. It will take time. Yes, it will take time, but it will happen.
Right now life is too beautiful and I don’t want to waste it with my pathetic thoughts.
It will be foolish of me to go on thinking I won’t make it.
It will be foolish of me to go on thinking I don’t deserve what I have.
So I will enjoy my Thanksgiving and hope everyone else does as well.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy life!

A new year is arriving once again. We've all been through so much. We've been through a long war, dozens of earthquakes and hurricanes, birthdays (I turned 17 by the way), elections, re-elections, weddings, deaths, births, and so on...
But here is the thing, we have another chance, another year to make things right. Well of course not everything will go right, things don't always go right, but we can try... maybe for a start we won't start another war across the sea, lets hope not...
I don't know... I'm just suddenly so excited you know... I think this will be a great year, so welcome 2005. And the year after that I will graduate! Finally break free from all this high school nonsense; actually it wasn't all nonsense, some of it surprisingly made sense…
Anyway, I am a new person, I am 17, I am excited, and well... I just want to go for it…so we all might as well go for it... Happy new year everyone and don't forget to smile… Life is just a game, just a funny game...

Some days it's hard not to notice the emptiness of our house. My room is filled with pictures and memories, this way I never feel alone. But inside I feel really alone sometimes. The memories of Iran and my childhood, and all the other things that are just pieces of memory for me. I remember some things vividly as though they happened yesterday. Other things, I remember vaguely; sometimes I wish I could go back, re-visit the memory, and keep it locked in my head so I won't forget it. No matter how happy I am here, how optimistic, how jolly, my heart aches when I think of those who still suffer across the ocean, where my heart belongs... I am such a fool, thinking I can just change the world, push the ocean away, and bring my people some peace ...

I am such a fool, thinking I can just change the world, push the ocean away, and bring my people some peace... I am such a fool to think that it is possible to erase the inhumanity that our world is filled with. But I am not a fool to think that there is something we can all do, together, there has to be a way... My room is a gallery of all my life, all the people who gave me their unconditional love, their support, their smile, and their encouragement... I am not alone, though I feel empty within... I have a world of opportunities and I have people who will support me for the rest of my life. I wish things could be easy, life and all. Somewhere in the back of my mind I see those happy days that fled from me so fast, the days when I thought the world was beautiful and no one ever did any harm to anyone else, I was just a child, and those days were beautiful...I hope one day our world could be beautiful again ...

I miss so many moments in my life... I miss the hugs from my siblings...the little joys of childhood...I miss everything... All the years that will never return to me again...All the days that will never come back...I am suddenly weak...Teardrops... I miss everyone, my house, my room... How can anyone understand...What it's like to leave everything behind, to leave a country that you once thought was yours forever...

A new year has begun. I’ve changed and so have others. We all change, don’t we?
We get older; we realize things about ourselves that we might not have realized before.
I have been through many realizations over the past few months, years actually.
I know that I have not done much for anyone. I would like to do more this year. Instead of telling my mother I love her every five minutes, I want to show her I love her. Instead of hugging her so much I want to go to the kitchen and wash the dishes for her. Instead of telling my dad he is too quiet, I want to talk to him and ask him what he wants most. Instead of asking my parents to take me shopping, I want to say ‘hey since you love walking lets go walk’. Instead of pretending to be a good daughter, I want to show I’m a good daughter.

My life has been perfect in many ways and not so perfect in other ways. But either way it has been a blast. That is not a lie. Everyone has always loved me, they’ve told me I’ve grown up into a beautiful and smart young lady. Now it is my turn to show them I have grown up. I want to show them that I have plans and that I want to make something out of my life.

2004 already passed and I didn’t get to share a birthday with my siblings. I didn’t get to attend my brother’s wedding. I also didn’t get to write a story and have it published.
But now that it is 2005, I think I still have a chance …

I've been feeling depressed lately, today I'm good though ;)
It's just life... it's been hard lately. There have been too many thoughts, too many problems, too little listeners. Everyone has their own problems… They don't need to hear about mine.
You know, the more seriously you take life, the more serious it becomes. It might sound too simple but it's true. If you take it hard, it will be hard. If you take it easy, it will be easy.
I get angry at the world sometimes, at everything around me. It is easier to be invisible and dissolve into thin air. But I don't want that. I want to be part of it. I want to help. I am angry that my homeland is somewhere that I don't want to go back to. I am angry that I couldn't have a life in Iran. I miss that. Here in America, some things are still so foreign to me that I want to cry. After all these years, I am still an outsider...

I must thank someone very special.
Someone who has always been there for me, has always supported me, and has always loved me. I can not thank him enough. He is given so much to me. He is the greatest and most dear person in my heart.
This site would not be what it is if it wasn't for him.
My brother has done so much that I am quite speechless.
Thank you dadash!

When people leave, there is always an empty space. They're always present in your heart, but their seat at the table is always empty. When my brother left, when my dad left, when I left, it was all the same. The emptiness, the silence, everything was the same. Dinners were no longer the same, conversations had lost their quality, silence was often the ending of those conversations. Every party was different, every celebration was followed by the words "if they were here..." I got used to it just like I got used to living in America. I began to realize how much I love them. Now many years has passed since our last new year together as a family. My sister is coming here in March. She is getting ready to say good-bye forever, like I did five years ago. Except I didn't know it would be forever...

I was sitting in the cafeteria, surrounded by red and pink balloons. As I walked the hallways, once again I was faced with giant balloons that came right in my face. Couples walked the hallways, hand in hand, whispering to each other, showing off their happy smiles and glowing with pride. Teachers wore ridiculously red flowered-shirts, brightening the hallways with their “Happy Valentines Day” smiles.
As kids went about, happily holding their chocolate boxes and heart-shaped balloons, I wondered how the others felt. You know, the ones that never get gifts, never get boxes of chocolate or even a Hershey’s kiss. How do they feel? From morning till noon they have to cross the halls, with at least one balloon flying their way. Or they might see a couple kissing in the corner, each holding a Valentines Day balloon or a carnation. Maybe it doesn’t affect them; maybe it is just another day. But they will always be reminded of that day. The day when stores fill their shelves with red hearts and candles and couples spend their savings on chocolates and cards and roses, Valentines Day.

USA Today is an amazing place. It's where everything happens, the news you see on television happens right in front of you. Our journalism staff got to visit it today, including me. I can't explain the rush of excitement I felt as I walked around. Looking at reporters' desks that were piled up with paper and their computers ready for their stories made me want to sit and start working right away. I've had the dream of being a journalist for a long time. It just sounds like such an exciting and thrilling job. I feel like I've accomplished something just by knowing what I want to be. It's scary being out in the real world. You don't get that feeling in school. In school you feel trapped, powerless and weak. I've always been scared of growing up, but I'm growing up everyday anyway. It’s a step-by-step process, like when a child first learns to crawl, stand, walk, and then run. It will be a difficult journey, but it’ll be worth it and that’s all that matters right now.

I don't like looking at magazines when I go to Barnes & Noble. I used to and still do. But now it makes me sick. I'm sick of looking at the private life of so and so, their break ups, their pregnancies, their marriage, and so forth. I mean, who cares? Why is image so important these days? Why is a certain haircut not right for your face? Who says it's not right? What's worse is that people actually waste hours at the bookstore looking at Jennifer Lopez and her wedding pictures or Britney's secret marriage. I admit I do it too sometimes. However, now days I just read a book, drink hot chocolate, and quickly glance at the magazine covers.

Have you ever been so happy that you just wanted to scream and fly?

I waited five years for this day to come. My sister is finally coming to the U.S. For years I dreamed of having my big sister back in my life. I dreamed of her being here for my birthday. I dreamed of her in my arms. I don't know how these years passed by me. I don't know how many nights and days I prayed to God to bring her to me. Having older siblings is a great gift. I don't know how to thank God. I don't know what to do. I am excited, nervous; just...I can't believe it. And the funny thing is that I knew it all along. I knew this day would come. I knew there'd be a day when I'd be hugging my sister again. So many years passed and I didn't get to have her give me advice. For years we said our birthday wishes on the phone. For years I kept thinking 'God, when are you going to let me see her?' When I went back to Iran two years ago, my sister and I both cried in the airport. That was the last time we saw each other. It's been hard. Many hard years have passed, but we are finally going to be together.

Sometimes we search for the perfect moment, the perfect dance, the perfect picture, all the while knowing that they are unreachable. Sometimes we yearn for a picture-perfect life, but...
It's not easy...life I mean... there are days that you just want to quit, there are times that you just think to yourself 'what's the point?' We are always trying to figure out the answers, but some equations just don't have solutions.
I’ve lived all my life, building up fantasies and dreams, some actually came true, others I had to let go of…
So I guess that is it…there are no answers or solutions…you just have to let it go…the urge of finding out a purpose in every little piece of your life…some things just happen…

I don't know how this year passed by...it went slowly yet quickly...i hated it and i loved...some days were disconcerted and confusing...some days i just wanted to quit...but on occasion i loved many days...and now it is finally ending...i am getting older and there are so many things that a normally 17-year-old would have done by now...but i didn't do those things...i don't drive yet, in fact i don't even have my permit yet (gasp...)but don't worry i will get it this summer, i didn't get a job...but don't worry i'll do that too...
gosh, what did i do?? and i spent at least an hour everyday complaining about everything...but i thanked god too for all that he has given me...sometimes i still wonder why he did and does...

there are days that you think you've had enough of everything, but in the big picture there is never enough of everything...there are so many things that i myself can not wait to do, wait to see, and even though some days i just want to melt or disappear, i still want to be around...it's still exciting, even though i can't do much on my own and i depend (oh god) i depend so many people, i still think it is worth the ride!

I was so in love last night…so in love with the stars, the night sky and the sound of love…in love with the night of New York City…I didn’t want to come back to Virginia…because it’s a lonely city…I love people…I love New York…just the way I loved Tehran…

You have to hold on to things…they can easily slip out of your hands…you will never have the moments back…that’s just life…I’ve held on to some memories…I’ve refused to let them go…

I am happy but my heart aches sometimes…a deep ache for so many things…for things I fantasize…for things I lost…for things I will never have…

It was a short trip…my school trip to NYC…but I loved it and I didn’t want to leave the city…you feel less like an outsider in the city…your forget that you’re different…you just blend in… like camouflage

In a small burger house, hungrily waiting for chicken fillet to arrive

The city-slanted picture

Is it okay to day dream about something you know won't come true?
Is it okay to fantasize when you know it's just a fantasy?
Sometimes I want some things to be true...even when they're out of reach...I say to myself 'so what's wrong with a little day dreaming?'
Yeah, in the end I get hurt, but so what?
There are some things that happen early in life for some and later for others...for me it will be later...you know...love...not even that...it’s just a simple crush...anyway...
The days are so slow...I just want to get out of here...step into an airplane and go to...Spain, Italy, France...anywhere really...
I think I might go to New York...move there I mean...who knows...for now life is just what it is...i can't change it...I...

I wrote "The Beginning" not to sound sorry for myself or to say that nothing was great about coming to America. You see, everyone has the American dream. The dream of getting to the land of freedom. You can ask anyone over the seas, and most of them will probably be thrilled to come here.
Back to the reasoning, there is no reason really. I just wrote out of depression and maybe desperation, but really to fulfill my purpose and just to mention again, incase anyone misses it while looking at other entries, that I have been given the greatest gift that I could ever possibly receive. It was never "my dream" to come to America. I came to see my beloved father, that's really all. But what I later found out was that if I had stayed in Tehran, the beautiful capital of Iran, it would have become a dream for me too. I would have wanted to leave at some point or another. But I got lucky. A dear friend of mine reminded me, after I wrote "The Beginning", that I should not forget to thank my parents for bringing me here. It's because of them that I have the ability to write from deep within my heart about my life and memories. I write, almost always, thinking of my past and everything that is credited to me being here, typing these words. I am nothing without the support and love from my family, my cousins, my friends, and my teachers who encouraged me to write. I owe this to them. And I want to thank them and all of my readers. It really means a lot to me that someone out there cares and can connect to what I write. It makes me happy; it makes me want to write...

High school seemed like a prison at first, well it still feels like that, but now I realize that i actually learned a lot in these three years that I spent countless hours (maximum of 6 hrs + after school activities on occasion)in classrooms, gym, locker rooms, cafeteria, etc... Now that it’s almost over, it's actually a bit scary because you know that once you're out, you're out, as in more responsibilities, more people, just more of everything i guess. But high school is really a big stage of life that everyone needs to go through. It's where you meet "real" friends, maybe even have real relationships, it's where you learn to time yourself and see how much challenge you can take. Some friends you keep until forever, some you forget, and some you just let go of...
It's a weird place, it's frightening at first, there's a lot of pressure, but for the most part, it's an experience that sort of prepares you for later...

I’m on a journey, a journey to self-discovery, no, that would be a lie. I’m on a journey to find a purpose in my life, to make one dream come true at least. Sometimes that purpose gets lost in my mind. When you’re a kid, you think you can just take a scratch sheet of paper, write down the goals you want to reach by the age of your desire, and then you’ll be set. It doesn’t work that way. Some days will have no purpose at all. You could just be going through pages of a memory book for one whole afternoon.
Maybe it’s okay not to have a purpose...just go through life blindly, see what direction the wind will take you.

The wind goes through my hair, it makes me feel beautiful and carefree, each blow of the wind goes through me, inside my veins, I feel the blood running; the wind is inside me, I feel powerful, young, fresh, free from the polluted air and all the nonessential elements…It is a purity beyond no other…A safety, a guard against reckless days and malicious thoughts, thoughts that keep you up all night and make you become someone you never dared of becoming…it’s a safety against danger and fear…the wind carries so much, yet when it passes through you, you feel as if it were weightless…

Maybe you think the heart of D.C. is the monument in Washington Mall or you might think it is the Congress or the White House. But I think the heart of D.C. is not just one place, I think it covers all the busy streets that spell out life. It is the crowd of people who walk through Wisconsin Avenue and shop endlessly beneath the warm summer sun. It is the busy streets that are blocked by traffic and are filled with important people, people who live their lives right by the capital. The heart of D.C. beats by those who live around it and walk by it everyday. The people of D.C. are what make the heart beat, whether they’re the homeless, who perform and make music, or the interns who attend jobs while studying at GWU, or the bus drivers who drive through the city everyday, life beats because of everyday people who live there.
I’ve walked through D.C. on many occasions. I love walking over Key Bridge and looking down below at the Potomac River, watching boats pass by and the water below my feet; icy when it’s winter and fresh and warm when summer arrives. Although I may be a foreigner, I also grew up in a city. I did not live in a city where freedom rings; I lived in Tehran where people constantly demonstrate for freedom. But no matter what culture or what nation you come from, if you’re a city lover like me, you probably know where the heart beats…

It tore me to pieces when I realized that I have a Farsi (my mother tongue) vocabulary of a 5th grader. It crushed my ego; I lost all hope of ever being able to write in Farsi as an adult would. I am so frustrated; I feel trapped between two incomplete languages. Sometimes I think it would have been easier if I only knew Farsi and lived in Iran and minded my own business. Except things didn’t turn out that way, that would have been too easy. I mistakenly thought I would be an expert at both. I had laid bags of hope in my heart, all which are now torn open, slowly being washed away…piece by piece…There is a price to pay for being a bilingual. It is not impossible to strengthen both languages, it just requires time and patience. But I can’t explain how heavy the weight of not knowing everything feels, it’s like you want to have everything, see everything and learn, but you just can’t keep up. Even in my own house I am sometimes an outsider because there are things I don’t understand, not just in the language, but cultural and political facts about Iran. It tears me into pieces but there’s not much I can do…I just have to accept the fact or look at it another way...

Iran was always a great country in my childhood eyes. I left Iran at the age of 11. It was not until I went back to Iran at 15 that I saw with my own eyes what Iran didn’t have. There was no democracy. Walking on the streets of Tehran brought back so many memories, but I couldn’t imagine myself walking those streets for the rest of my life. It was nothing compared to walking outside on a street in Virginia or anywhere else in the U.S. I felt guilty as I watched people because I knew I was free and they were not.
Another election has arrived for Iran and I am thinking…are they really going to get what they deserve? Are they really going to get their freedom, their democracy? What can I do for them? The only thing I can do, as I am sitting here, on my comfortable bed, reading a magazine on Hollywood gossip, while Iranian women are protesting for equal rights, is to vote. As an Iranian I feel obliged to vote because I am Iranian too. I could have been living there, among them, seeing what they see, going through their problems. But now that I am here, it is my duty to vote so that hopefully they too could have what anyone, in any country or in any nation embraces…freedom.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I have lost my place once again. I can’t quite figure out why or where I went wrong. The road is ahead of me and I am way behind, blocks away and every time I try to catch up I fall behind once again...There are so many things I could have done by now but I didn’t and I don’t know what stopped me...It’s not good enough to have dreams I’ve learned. It’s not good enough to me...I want more for myself... I want to break free from all the people I depend on. I depend on too many people. I am always waiting for someone to tell me what to do or where to go, I am always waiting for someone to call me back or leave a message on my phone... I want to do things my own way, I want to draw my own map of life, not someone else’s...I need to get out of here and start living for myself because I can’t live like this, it’s causing too much pain for me...
What was once satisfying for me is no longer satisfying, not even close...There are feelings inside of me that I am tired of trying to explain...
I didn’t have a single happy day this week…I tried to find a way out...but just couldn’t...

Everybody has their own definition of happiness. I realize I’m happy when I feel surrounded by so many small but beautiful things. When I laugh, I know I’m happy. There’s nothing better than being able to laugh and enjoy just about everything there is to enjoy...it makes life so much easier when you can look at it this way, when you can detach yourself from the parts you don’t like about who you are...when you can look at the time and know you’ve spent it well and you’ve had your fun...when you can think of tomorrow as a day to go back to what you absolutely love to do...when you can smile even if it rained and nothing happened...when I’m happy, I love everything about me, myself, and I...

I get angry at the world for not letting me in, for shutting me out, for laughing at me, for mocking me, for blaming me, for hating me...
When I'm depressed, life becomes so meaningless that I forget my passions and lust for life, for the adventurous life I fantasize in Manhattan where everything happens, live, right in front of your eyes...I cry myself out and feel sorry for myself, but deep down I know I’ll be okay the next day, I know the world won’t win, I know I’ll get myself out no matter what’s in front of me, even if it is my own desperate image, the part of me that wants to cry and be left alone, the one who craves for attention, the one who needs to exist, even if it is an existence only for others...
A lot of us go through these feelings, this hopelessness and fear of the world around us, the fear of meeting new people, fitting in, being loved, being noticed, and...existing.
The window of hope is not always open, my window too sometimes shuts me out, the rain pours outside and leaves me trapped inside, but I can open it if I want to...it is never too late...

I can’t sleep at night. Maybe it’s insomnia. Or maybe I just want to be awake while it’s still summer time for me and I can relax, look at the moon light and sleep through the morning... I feel the days are too short for me, too little time to catch up on the things I missed while I was in school. Summers are always like this, they come and last a short a time, but they’re enjoyable. My summers have usually been adventurous. One summer I was in San Diego, California for a week; one in Istanbul, Turkey; one in Tehran, Iran; two or three in Europe, on top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, or the biggest movie theater in the world in Brussels, Belgium; three in Manhattan and New Jersey, one in Long Island...So many wonderful memories, so little time...
It’s hard to enjoy the moment. No, it’s hard to remind yourself to enjoy the moment. If you ask if I’m happy, I’d say not really. But satisfied? Yes, I’m satisfied...

The summer breeze is almost gone. Soon autumn will come again and the loads of homework and reading will take over my life once again...
Sometimes I think I too am searching for something...something that I don’t really know yet...something inside of me that my heart won’t let go of...
I’ve always wanted to escape but I never could...
I never could let go of my memories in Tehran...
I never could let go of my people...
It’s not easy to escape a place your heart knows so well...it’s like a map, sewed in my heart...I can never possibly let all of it go...all of my guilt for leaving...all of my wanting to go back...it would be like letting go of everything I know. Everything I love. Everything I have. Everything I need to survive...I need my past to survive in this strange yet wonderful world i live in now...I need it to help me go on, to help me move on, to help me find myself again, to help me find my desires and my hopes and my dreams and everything else that belongs to me...i never want to escape those thoughts or memories, i just want to be able to let it be a part of me, but not something that would make me feel guilt or pain or loss or shame... i want it to be a part of who i am but not something that brings me down, not something that tears me apart...

New York City never ceases to greet me with a warm welcome...a welcome that always makes me want to go back and say another hello and maybe one without a goodbye.
Every time I go to NYC, I can't stop thinking what life there could be like for me... Although most people think it's hard to live in a place like New York, I don't think I'd mind having a little excitement in my life...New York City has so much energy and power that it doesn't even let me think of its problems...
If you love something, I think you should go for it...so I think I'll listen to my heart and if everything works out I'll give it a try...But for me, no matter where in America I am, the freedom that I have is more precious and more important and more valuable than anything else...so what if all I have is a suburban life, so what if all I have is an urban life, what matters to me is that I have the freedom to live and be happy, something that so many people are searching for and are struggling to achieve...
As always, I had a wonderful time in New York. The city was still amazing and it was still telling met to stay. A part of me was sad to say goodbye, as if somehow I knew I may belong there one day...is it belonging or is it just the excitement and adventure that I’m waiting to get? I don't really know...So once again I was lost in thoughts as I took a last glance at the large towers above me and at the busy streets...there was a big question mark in my mind...

Iranians are experts at going to airports and saying good-bye. It has become a normal procedure for most families. Iranian women especially are good at crying. They cry incessantly and can’t stop hugging each other, while the men watch and seem to have it under control, although underneath, they’re probably hurting just as much. In a way, Iran has become an airport itself. These days, almost every 20 year-old’s dream is to find a way to leave the country with America as the destination in mind. Smart and ambitious, these young adults leave their heart-broken families so they can have a real life. Freedom for them means everything.
So this airport, this country, this nation, this Iran that has so much beauty, love, history, tradition and culture, continues to hide them until no one will remember what it once was, maybe not even the historians. The once great Persia is now a land of prisoners, from children to teens to young adults who are caught in the middle of political entanglements. Childhood memories are now the memories of departures and flight numbers and planes headed to somewhere across the Atlantic. Photo albums now have entire sections dedicated to snap shots of good-bye parties and airport get-togethers, where every member is either red-eyed from crying or is forcing a smile for that one last picture where they’re all together.
...
The nine-year old girl who looked up to her older siblings, didn’t get the chance to know them while they were still there. Her trips to the airport were too many for a child her age. Her childhood ended too soon. Her memories of the past are now bittersweet. She is now in America, watching, waiting...Will things change? Will families ever get to live in their own country, or will they always continue to pray for an American visa right before they go to bed and dream the American dream?

I'm getting older. I see it now. Time is fleeting. I can't stop the clock. But I think it's ok. It's okay to get older, I'm okay with it, it's exciting. I'm no longer a little kid who fears the future; the future that I always tried to avoid is now here. I have to face it now... I have to trust myself...

They told me high school will be the best four years of your life. They lied.
I realized it my sophomore year when I felt lost and unemotionally unprepared. Suddenly I was no longer stable; I was living in a sea of stress and didn’t know how to call for help. My junior year was the same. Life was demanding too much, school was demanding too much; I was a wreck…
Things have changed though. For the better I mean. I am now in my fourth year of high school and for the first time I am at peace with myself. I’ve stopped blaming myself for the things I can’t do. I don’t love myself yet, but I’ve come a long way. Everything is normal. Peace and tranquility, I am happily looking forward to whatever the future will bring. I don’t expect the world or life itself for that matter to make sense. Living and enjoying my life are much more important than figuring out what life is supposed to mean.
My perspectives have changed, maybe I am wiser. Maybe not. But one thing I know for sure is that I am happy and I have accepted who I am...I’ve never felt this way before. It’s beautiful. Life.

Six years have passed but I'm still reminded of home. Every piece of this city has a part of Tehran in it. Sometimes it's a small shop, sometimes it's a street, and sometimes it's just a smell or scent that takes me back to the past. But however small the reminders, Tehran remains a part of me...

My mother was singing a traditional Iranian song by Marzieh (a famous singer) and it made me think of something. Not that I hadn't thought of it before, but at that moment I suddenly thought of how much my mother has given up. She left a country where she'd lived fifty years of her life in. She gave up a life-time of memories, songs, people, culture, and everything that was life for her. For me, it was only eleven years and although those years meant a lot, they weren't significant enough to shape who I am today. They weren't big enough to give me an identity. But for someone like my mother, those years had shown her one culture, one setting, one language, one foundation of life. She had already found, I suppose, some sort of identity for herself, some form of reliance. But she had the courage to start over, begin from zero, start a whole new map of life...It amazes me, her power and strength, her courage and confidence to take such a jump, start a new life after years of one identity and be born again...But I see why and how she was able to do it: it was all for freedom…My mother is a believer, she didn’t think it was impossible to start anew and live in happiness. She didn’t think she was too old to be happy and have an American life. She was a believer and still is. Her book of life used to be pages of sadness and loss, but she refused to leave them that way. She wanted something and she knew it was possible to be a dreamer…

I always wanted to believe I was missing Iran. But I knew damn well it wasn’t Iran I missed. What I actually missed were the memories of a life I once knew, belonging, childhood, and a picture-perfect family.
It’s hard for me to admit it after all this time. I thought about it a lot. In fact, for six years I’ve been trying to figure out how to escape from the constant thoughts of Iran. I wanted to stop feeling guilty for leaving because I knew it wasn’t a choice I made. I’d been trying hard to focus on my own life rather than the life they live. I love them, my people; they’re part of me and always will be. But, I can’t live everyday thinking about what they don’t have. I want to live my life and just appreciate what I’ve been given.
I’m not sure if I’ve escaped completely, from the guilt and well, the depressing thoughts, but I do feel free for the most part. The hardest thing now is knowing I can never have that life back. Iran will be on the news and will be talked about on the radio, but it will be a memory for me. A nice memory of childhood…it will be a beautiful past that made me who I am today…but it will remain as the past…

I'm free at last...I'm free to be happy and satisfied with life. It may sound cliché, but it took a long time for me to be this happy with life as it is. I always had to have something to look forward to and then I could say, ' I'm happy'. But now i feel i can just be happy because I look forward to everyday... It's important to me to feel this way and to state it because i worked hard to get to this point, to this acceptance...i had to fight and i did and now i got what i wanted...pure happiness and satisfaction and a free mind and a whole lot of other great things...

Rain often times makes me gloomy. I feel trapped and the atmosphere automatically becomes depressing. I loved rainy days when I was a child. I loved it because we almost never had rain in Tehran. Summer days were blazing hot; winters were just cold. Rain was something people had to pray for, especially those who lived in Southern Iran. For them rain is pleasure, fun, different, even freedom to some extent. I remember how I used to look out the window and reach out to feel the raindrops on my fingertips. Sometimes it would be pouring immensely and I would feel a sudden rush of excitement. Those days I loved rain; I wanted so much to walk in the rain. But now, here in America, the excitement I used to feel for rain is gone.

Last night I went out with my girl friend D. We had dinner at La Madeleine. I had mushroom soup, she had the chicken pesto pasta. I love La Madeleine; I literally feel like I’m in Europe. I told D it was a perfect place for a date. She laughed. We talked for hours about school, boys, life, religion; we had so much to say. We both realized how much we’d grown since our freshman year; now we had fresh, new perspectives. We laughed about our junior year and how we’d thought it would never end. I was happy that I could tell her I was happy. It felt good to be happy; it feels good…
Next year we’ll be on different roads; things will be unpredictable, exciting, frightening, but we’ll get through them just like we got through four years of high school. The important thing is remembering that laughter and a sense of humor can make life what it’s supposed to be, a joyous ride, a fun game, a comedy series…

Sometimes I feel I need to break away from my family for a while; I don’t want to lose them, I just need to be more independent. I think my mother is tired of me and I understand that. I’m just like any other teen; I have a messy room with a closet full of junk. I don’t pick things up after I’m done and I don’t make my bed. I wash the dishes only when asked and do it at the very last minute. So yes, I’m not perfect…gasp (most people tend to think I’m a perfect child).
My mother deserves a break from me; she’ll have to pray I stay in a dorm in college! And I deserve some time to myself. I need time to be with other people. A Lot of changes are happening inside of me, but I like to believe it’s normal.

I desperately want to see the world. I feel that every time I leave the country, I learn so much more. I even appreciate life more. It’s like getting a new identity and a whole new set of eyes. You become a traveller, a tourist, a man on a journey; you’re looking to find a new dimension, a fresh perspective. You’re no longer an ordinary person; you are different, exotic, a fresh face. It’s fascinating; the roads are different, the smell, the colors, the textures. You feel like you can do anything, be anyone without being questioned, judged or recognized. You have control because nobody knows your past; nobody knows who you were.
Sometimes we need to escape from ourselves and our ordinary lives. We need to find a new comfort zone, somewhere were no one waits for us or expects us to wait for them. We want to create a new home where we can be someone else. It’s a thrilling journey, an exciting adventure, but we remain who were even if we try to hide that identity.

(pic from Google)
iPods are taking control over our lives. I was walking around M-street in Georgetown and I couldn’t help but notice how many people wore headphones. People are becoming more and more desperate to get away from the everyday routines and music breaks them free from the norm. These iPods allow them to escape from sirens and honks in streets, and the incessant chatters of others, and just about anything else that may be bothersome. It makes sense that people would want to have their own space in a world of their own, wheather that's Mozart, Bon Jovi or the Black Eyed Peas, but is that really a good thing? What if every single person around you suddenly wears a set of headphones, how would you feel? If we all decided to turn up the volume and listen to a forever-playing melody, will we pay attention to what goes on around us, what our friends, family and children say? Is technology tearing us apart from our relationships, our once personal interests? Is life becoming so unbearable that we must turn it into a live concert?

Hearing the National Anthem is no longer meaningless or unfamiliar. It has given me new meaning to life. It reminds me of what I have. What I gained. What I lost. The freedom I gained. The country I lost.
But it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter what I lost. What I lost was a past that I’ll always cherish; it changed by fate. And I’m glad it did. There are things in life that we have no control over. I had no control over what happened.
Life is a comedy, a game; whether you define it as meaningless or meaningful shouldn’t stop you from enjoying it. You don’t even have to define it. All you have to do is live it, not for others, for yourself. That’s the way I see it. I’ve been looking at it for a long time. Thinking. Wondering. Deciding. How will I define it? But I realized there is no point in defining things. I just want to live it and believe it’ll be worth it.

My Spanish teacher told us to write about what we feared. She told us it could be any type of fear. There was a time when I couldn’t stop worrying about the future. My level of anxiety was beyond my control. That time passed. But I still chose to write about it. I took out my English-Spanish dictionary and began writing. I wrote that the unknown future frightens me. I thought about what my other fear was. I wrote about love, not the unconditional love I feel for my family and friends, but the other one. The one that's complicated. The one that's hard to define. I wrote that some people say love is blind and that I didn’t know if that was true. She read my paper and said in Spanish, “some people believe love is blind, but I’m telling you it’s not.” I smiled and went back to my desk.

R came back to our table with a Starbucks cup of hot chocolate without whip cream, regular American coffee, and a slice of chocolate cake topped with melted marshmallows. I looked at her exotic, slanted eyes that were looking to the distance. She said she was neither happy nor sad. This expression has been on face for a while now, occasionally disappearing. I told her I felt the same when I first came to Virginia, alone, lost, a complete stranger. It took a while, but they eventually went away, those ugly feelings.
“I know you feel little,” I said. “I felt this small,” I said and pressed my thumb against my index finger.
“I don’t even feel that; I’m more like a dot,” she said.
We both laughed.
She put her face down, her hair covering her face. I looked around me, searching for words. I wished I hadn’t been the lucky one.
She said I had come with a future. She was right. I’d been only eleven. But I still think she could have a future too. She just needs time to realize aging doesn’t mean it’s too late. It doesn’t mean you can’t go after the things you want. It doesn’t mean you should give up.
For most of us who leave our countries behind, America is our last stop, our heaven. Sometimes we lose our identities and personalities; we look for ways to blend in, even dye our hair blond. We try so hard to portray an American attitude, ignoring each other in the streets, switching from Farsi to English. At home, we speak broken Farsi, thinking and dreaming in English. Iran becomes a map of the past, a country on the far side, a shadow we try to erase forever. I’m not saying this is everybody’s point of view, but it definitely is a good portion of the Iranian/Persian population in the U.S.

On Sunday evening I attended a classical Persian concert at the University of Maryland in College Park. The music bored me since my ears have been so tuned to the up-beat pop Persian songs like those of Kamran and Hooman. But I enjoyed the uniqueness of their art, the way they moved their fingers across the instruments, and sung some of Sa'di’s famous poems in unison. I liked the way they sat on a Persian rug, elegantly designed with flowers, instead of wooden chairs. I embraced their art because they were able to share not only their talents, but a part of Iran’s culture as well. With their music, they too embraced Iran’s poetry, music, art, and culture. These may be hidden glories, but I will always see them. A country's structure may fall apart, but its love and art will never die; those are intrinsic.